november 29th (i think)

again.
she said "i hate you" and "you're a stupid little twit" with so much passion and hate, that i almost didn't reply. but alas, i am me, and there would have been no fight had i not initiated it.
itunes is back.
no dog.
no xmas.
i'm spoiled, ungrateful, and too much.
i bankrupt.
i argue.
i cuss too much.
i ware her out.
i don't know who is dying faster; me or computer.
i hate myself. i hate life. i hate the world. i hate what i am. i hate what i might become.

november 22.

hmmm.
This picture is practically my life story. whoever created this knows exactly the panic that runs through my veins when i hear "future life."
The fact that i had to resend my password to my email account to get on this blogspot because i forgot it is good.
the fact that i succeeded and i even attempted to blog on this is bad.
they annoy me.
school is shit.
debate is shit.
i still don't know what i aspire to be, it makes me sad and freak out.
moving on, "and not, when i came to die, discover that i had not lived."

July 30th

7/30/08
It is the 9th day. I cannot believe I have lasted this long. Nothing has changed though. I received like 34534 texts/phone calls from various people wondering if I was still alive. Odd. I vaguely mention my mother’s attitude, and suhair was flabberghasted. She thinks something’s up with my mom and she’s taking it out on me. But that doesn’t make any sense. I had to take out my left lip ring, the skin had healed over the back; ouch! I haven’t washed my hair in over 2 weeks. I don’t care anymore. When I felt suicidal I was always weighed down with “well you have debate” or “well next week you’re going shopping etc”, and that would cease my trying. But when I attempt to think about upcoming stuff, my mind doesn’t sprout any. It was basically like ‘who the fuck cares, let’s get out of here.’ It scares me. I wonder how people will react when (if) I go to Simpson’s bbq. I look like I’m dead. I feel dead. I’m so weak right now. When I went to walmart a couple days ago the cashier grabbed me by my shoulders and asked if I was okay. I replied with “as good as its going to get.” She then stared in my eyes for a minute and asked again. I shrugged her off and left. What the fuck do I tell someone when they ask that? “no, actually I’m not. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over two months. I haven’t ate in a week and a half. My body no longer functions correctly. I have to drive slow becaue my reactions are slowed. I can’t life a gallon of milk with one hand. And on top of that, I hate myself. Have a nice day.”
It does not, and will not work like that.

April 27th

4/27
It is 10:53. I have had 4 cigarettes in the last hour. I have walked out of the house twice. It started out this morning; I got up early to go to the movies with the family. Noah and I joke about how we forgot to clean off the recliner after Guinea pissed on me/it, and that mom was currently residing in. she overreacts and hits me with the hanger; I say I’m not going to the movies: I hate when she yells and hits. Then she decides to just be a bitch in general and keep fucking with me. She tries to cover it up and whine “just come, Reyna” a thousand times. I hate when she pisses me off and doesn’t say sorry. I don’t go. At that point I am pissed off to oblivion. I smoke a fag. 8 hours later, they return. Mom and I have a scuffle; her saying I started the fight (see above who antagonized first), I say she’s a liar. I leave with guinea and my laptop. Smoke two more fags. I come back; mom confronts me. I get pissed because she did, in fact, ruin my day. She mutters under her breath that ‘I ruined her life.’ I offer to leave and stop ruining it. She lies again, by saying ‘I never said that’ (compare this statement with the above quote.) I am now home from a 25 minute walk/run. I feel empty and full of sadness. If I had a gun right now, I would feel neither. Mom of course is still being a cunt ‘don’t smoke in the house’, ‘never get another dime from me’ blahblahblah. I want to cry and die. How cliché. I have dinner sitting in front of me, I have no appetite currently. Razors do no justice, my stomach will not take pills anymore, the m* is gone. Outside is cold, my body is cold. State is in four days, I can barely control four minutes.

p.s. happy b-day p.stump.