July 30th

7/30/08
It is the 9th day. I cannot believe I have lasted this long. Nothing has changed though. I received like 34534 texts/phone calls from various people wondering if I was still alive. Odd. I vaguely mention my mother’s attitude, and suhair was flabberghasted. She thinks something’s up with my mom and she’s taking it out on me. But that doesn’t make any sense. I had to take out my left lip ring, the skin had healed over the back; ouch! I haven’t washed my hair in over 2 weeks. I don’t care anymore. When I felt suicidal I was always weighed down with “well you have debate” or “well next week you’re going shopping etc”, and that would cease my trying. But when I attempt to think about upcoming stuff, my mind doesn’t sprout any. It was basically like ‘who the fuck cares, let’s get out of here.’ It scares me. I wonder how people will react when (if) I go to Simpson’s bbq. I look like I’m dead. I feel dead. I’m so weak right now. When I went to walmart a couple days ago the cashier grabbed me by my shoulders and asked if I was okay. I replied with “as good as its going to get.” She then stared in my eyes for a minute and asked again. I shrugged her off and left. What the fuck do I tell someone when they ask that? “no, actually I’m not. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over two months. I haven’t ate in a week and a half. My body no longer functions correctly. I have to drive slow becaue my reactions are slowed. I can’t life a gallon of milk with one hand. And on top of that, I hate myself. Have a nice day.”
It does not, and will not work like that.