8/5/08
I do not understand. I don’t think people will ever feel the way I do right now. How is it that I feel misplaced. I am constantly told “you’re weird”, “unique” “beyond us, years ahead of us” and I get it now. I go through life everyday feeling out of touch, you know? Of course you wouldn’t. I am never living through my eyes. Or I do not care. I’m always thinking, escaping my reality; living fantasies I believe will happen later. I am never here. I do not feel pain, nor happiness. When they laugh, poke fun, yell at me, I feel nothing. I am always somewhere else. I don’t think of the future, I think of ‘better’, what will happen when I’m gone. If I wasn’t such a pussy I would travel to dallas, and fall off a bridge. And sitting here now, I don’t feel bad about it. Don’t feel remorse or anything holding me back, other than the laziness of doing it. Maybe I lack the courage to off myself right now, but I will tell myself; I am not a coward. If anyone dared me I would be up before they finished “dare you…” I have no qualms with dying. I look forward to it, hope it comes right now, but I know it won’t; because life is cruel like that. It hurts to not be able to look in the mirror and like myself, to look in the mirror and recognize myself. Because when it comes down to it, when I look in the mirror, I see a sad, ugly, fat girl.
But I do not see me.
I am not in touch with reality and I swear to heathus christ if anyone had a glimpse of what goes on in my head; or lack thereof, I would be locked up in a mental hospital so fucking fast. School starts soon, and I don’t think of friends, or the fun I’ll have, or even two more years, yes! I see nothing, just bottomless pits inside my mind, that key over to my ‘other’ life, the one where I am happy. It hurts more than I can imagine to not see myself. I believe myself when I think I’m broken. I am a human being that does not feel, I have no human desires, other than to die. I want away from this world, away from myself, and I have no other plans when (if) I grow up. I am starting now, and hopefully I will reach my goal; to disassociate so completely, so fully eradicate myself, there will be nothing left. I have no promises on whether this will make sense; I wasn’t even here when I typed it out.