november 29th (i think)

again.
she said "i hate you" and "you're a stupid little twit" with so much passion and hate, that i almost didn't reply. but alas, i am me, and there would have been no fight had i not initiated it.
itunes is back.
no dog.
no xmas.
i'm spoiled, ungrateful, and too much.
i bankrupt.
i argue.
i cuss too much.
i ware her out.
i don't know who is dying faster; me or computer.
i hate myself. i hate life. i hate the world. i hate what i am. i hate what i might become.

november 22.

hmmm.
This picture is practically my life story. whoever created this knows exactly the panic that runs through my veins when i hear "future life."
The fact that i had to resend my password to my email account to get on this blogspot because i forgot it is good.
the fact that i succeeded and i even attempted to blog on this is bad.
they annoy me.
school is shit.
debate is shit.
i still don't know what i aspire to be, it makes me sad and freak out.
moving on, "and not, when i came to die, discover that i had not lived."

August 5th

8/5/08
I do not understand. I don’t think people will ever feel the way I do right now. How is it that I feel misplaced. I am constantly told “you’re weird”, “unique” “beyond us, years ahead of us” and I get it now. I go through life everyday feeling out of touch, you know? Of course you wouldn’t. I am never living through my eyes. Or I do not care. I’m always thinking, escaping my reality; living fantasies I believe will happen later. I am never here. I do not feel pain, nor happiness. When they laugh, poke fun, yell at me, I feel nothing. I am always somewhere else. I don’t think of the future, I think of ‘better’, what will happen when I’m gone. If I wasn’t such a pussy I would travel to dallas, and fall off a bridge. And sitting here now, I don’t feel bad about it. Don’t feel remorse or anything holding me back, other than the laziness of doing it. Maybe I lack the courage to off myself right now, but I will tell myself; I am not a coward. If anyone dared me I would be up before they finished “dare you…” I have no qualms with dying. I look forward to it, hope it comes right now, but I know it won’t; because life is cruel like that. It hurts to not be able to look in the mirror and like myself, to look in the mirror and recognize myself. Because when it comes down to it, when I look in the mirror, I see a sad, ugly, fat girl.
But I do not see me.
I am not in touch with reality and I swear to heathus christ if anyone had a glimpse of what goes on in my head; or lack thereof, I would be locked up in a mental hospital so fucking fast. School starts soon, and I don’t think of friends, or the fun I’ll have, or even two more years, yes! I see nothing, just bottomless pits inside my mind, that key over to my ‘other’ life, the one where I am happy. It hurts more than I can imagine to not see myself. I believe myself when I think I’m broken. I am a human being that does not feel, I have no human desires, other than to die. I want away from this world, away from myself, and I have no other plans when (if) I grow up. I am starting now, and hopefully I will reach my goal; to disassociate so completely, so fully eradicate myself, there will be nothing left. I have no promises on whether this will make sense; I wasn’t even here when I typed it out.

July 30th

7/30/08
It is the 9th day. I cannot believe I have lasted this long. Nothing has changed though. I received like 34534 texts/phone calls from various people wondering if I was still alive. Odd. I vaguely mention my mother’s attitude, and suhair was flabberghasted. She thinks something’s up with my mom and she’s taking it out on me. But that doesn’t make any sense. I had to take out my left lip ring, the skin had healed over the back; ouch! I haven’t washed my hair in over 2 weeks. I don’t care anymore. When I felt suicidal I was always weighed down with “well you have debate” or “well next week you’re going shopping etc”, and that would cease my trying. But when I attempt to think about upcoming stuff, my mind doesn’t sprout any. It was basically like ‘who the fuck cares, let’s get out of here.’ It scares me. I wonder how people will react when (if) I go to Simpson’s bbq. I look like I’m dead. I feel dead. I’m so weak right now. When I went to walmart a couple days ago the cashier grabbed me by my shoulders and asked if I was okay. I replied with “as good as its going to get.” She then stared in my eyes for a minute and asked again. I shrugged her off and left. What the fuck do I tell someone when they ask that? “no, actually I’m not. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over two months. I haven’t ate in a week and a half. My body no longer functions correctly. I have to drive slow becaue my reactions are slowed. I can’t life a gallon of milk with one hand. And on top of that, I hate myself. Have a nice day.”
It does not, and will not work like that.

July 27th

7/27/08
Not dead yet. It’s my fourth day. I cheated on the third a bit, but I’m good. I felt so guilty eating. Even if it was a little, all I wanted to do was throw it all up when we left the theater. So I did. Mom hates me, I know it. Everytime I wake up she always looks at me and says “oh great she’s up. It was nice and peaceful in here, can’t you go back to bed?” then she’ll leave the room. I cried uncontrollably last night. I sobbed so hard, brynn jumped up and ran to me to see what was wrong. I had to get out the house or I knew someone would hear. Not like they’d care though, it was like 6 in the morning. My head feels so weighed down right now, and I’m always cold. I just want to die. Get it over with. No one cares, and as cliché that is, I now it’s true. I just wish I was happy. I want control. I want to be able to wake up and not have my family hate it. Jesus, I want a friend. Too fucking bad I’m unlikeable.

May 29th

5/29/08
Today we had our dodgeball team thingy. It was officially the last day I’ll probably see the NHS seniors. It makes me sad. I know as of now I don’t have many my-age friends, they’re all juniors and seniors. This really sucks. All I can and will hope for is to change. I will use this summer wisely. I just hate what is around me and this is the only way I can make it better. This is literally the only actual thing wrong with me is, well me. Huh; aint life a bitch.

May 6th

5/6/08
Still not dead. I am so tired. I have no idea what’s going on anymore. It’s so close to the end of the year and all I can think about is how sad it’s going to be to not have any friends anymore. They’re all seniors and it makes me feel weak. I wish I was a senior or something; I have no relationship with current sophomores. I know it sounds babyish to be thinking this but it’s all I can do right now. My appearance is not changing. The only thing that is truly wrong with me right now is all over me. I can’t change it and I fucking hate what I’ve become. Thanks “god.”

April 27th

4/27
It is 10:53. I have had 4 cigarettes in the last hour. I have walked out of the house twice. It started out this morning; I got up early to go to the movies with the family. Noah and I joke about how we forgot to clean off the recliner after Guinea pissed on me/it, and that mom was currently residing in. she overreacts and hits me with the hanger; I say I’m not going to the movies: I hate when she yells and hits. Then she decides to just be a bitch in general and keep fucking with me. She tries to cover it up and whine “just come, Reyna” a thousand times. I hate when she pisses me off and doesn’t say sorry. I don’t go. At that point I am pissed off to oblivion. I smoke a fag. 8 hours later, they return. Mom and I have a scuffle; her saying I started the fight (see above who antagonized first), I say she’s a liar. I leave with guinea and my laptop. Smoke two more fags. I come back; mom confronts me. I get pissed because she did, in fact, ruin my day. She mutters under her breath that ‘I ruined her life.’ I offer to leave and stop ruining it. She lies again, by saying ‘I never said that’ (compare this statement with the above quote.) I am now home from a 25 minute walk/run. I feel empty and full of sadness. If I had a gun right now, I would feel neither. Mom of course is still being a cunt ‘don’t smoke in the house’, ‘never get another dime from me’ blahblahblah. I want to cry and die. How cliché. I have dinner sitting in front of me, I have no appetite currently. Razors do no justice, my stomach will not take pills anymore, the m* is gone. Outside is cold, my body is cold. State is in four days, I can barely control four minutes.

p.s. happy b-day p.stump.

April 23rd

4/23/08
I’m still a kid, just a little bit colder /this world will never be what I expected /I’ll never be what I accepted /a million finger taps to my skull /the rain outside my window telling me to breath (not easy, baby steps, baby steps)/ it never is/ always alone, everything I own/ even if I stay it’ll be alright/ the world we know never comes back/ I can’t/ world will never be what I expected/ and if I don’t belong/ we’ll turn it all around/ staring down myself/ steady hands take the wheel/ glances kill/ stop and stare/ I think I’m moving/ everyone gets scared/ I’ve become something/ I’m here not there/ well love is just a lyric from a children’s rhyme/ can you see what I see/ my senses push steady, feet don’t fail me now/ think I’m moving, I’ve become something I can’t see/ I don’t know where I’m going. Do you see it?/ nothing like screams and nightmares to find your way home/ can’t breath until I choke/ I know things you don’t/ it took borderline desperation for me to feel alive/ a thousand feet patter in my head/ have my away message set to dead/ I need to change that someday/ time to make a move, shaking off the rush/ now I think I believe I have never really lived/ I don’t even know you, you won’t even know I’m goine/ make a lasting impression, I’m horrid and disastrous.

January 13th

1/13/08
I was so close to doing it. I’m so sad, my heart hurts. She said you can’t buy friendship and I almost burst into tears. What am I doing. I want to die. There. I’m drowning, someone, anyone help me. I’m so far gone I’m not even sure you could. I’ve lost all my friends. They were never friends, but it was okay. I hate myself for what I’ve become.

to give the lowdown.

I hate myself and want to die. I have decided to document my hatred of life. Just in case I do find the correct tools to end myself and no one has a clue what I was feeling; this is for you.
1/10/08
I’m scared. New years just passed and I’m freaking the fuck out. Thoughts and questions are running through my head; what am I doing? Why am I feeling this way? Where’s my future? What I want to do with my life is a more adequate question. My heart hurts when it comes up. I think I’m going down again. I just want to curl up and go away to my secret place. I haven’t slept in so long. The night is my new best. I just can’t stop; I want someone to guide me, tell me what I’m destined for. I did something 4 days ago I though I had quit. I broke my resolution to stay clean. ‘take parts of others to form what is me.’ If my epiphany doesn’t come soon, I shall try. I just want contentment within myself.